nonlinear

by mary is

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jxdejl
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Taylor Asplund
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kellysue64
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kreepykarrie
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Dominic Jersak
Dominic Jersak thumbnail
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1.
double vision 03:46
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i want to get it out of my body i want to be somebody who'll stop me i i am my own carbon copy so close but what's changed it's not the same thing i don't know what i mean don't know what i think you are not like me i want to get it out out of my body what is it inside inside of me i want to get it out out of my body it's not in my head, no not my heart but it hides in between i want to get it out out of my body it wraps around everything i want it out right now out of my body this is not what i mean you are not like me this is not what i mean not what i think you are not like me
2.
december 2017 02:50
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i think a lot about traveling alone but i'd never go but i'd never go i'm afraid to be alone and there's so much i don't know i shrink more than i grow guess i'm just reaping what i sow when it starts to snow one of these december nights i know i'll look up at the sky wonder if you're on some flight coming home to your family, do you still feel lonely or did you find yourself out there i guess i probably shouldn't care it's cold outside thinking about the time we drove around on the ice voices raised so loud a lost and sacred sound it's all gone, my feet are back on the ground i think a lot about places that feel like home the ones that i've outgrown and the ones i don't yet know there's a whole lot i don't know and every where i go i carve out the word "no" and try to forget your "i told you so"s it's cold outside thinking about the time we drove around on the ice voices raised so loud a lost and sacred sound it's all gone, my feet are back on the ground
3.
scratches 02:32
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i want to be so soft i am turning cold the world begins to rot and we are getting old feelings i can't explain the days i start to dread the world is mad and red and no you're not my friend i don't even try i can't even cry anymore i want to see what's buried beneath i want to be anything at night it gets so loud my nose begins to bleed the pieces i forgot show up within my dreams i can feel you leave with every passing day i am fumbling and desperate for words that i can't say
4.
sunnylane rd 04:17
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looking out of the window passing the road where I left you we're frozen in time in my mind in a safer place taking one step forward and stumbling 8 feet back looking over my shoulder while you're making victory laps and it shouldn't kill me we all move at our own pace but every time i close my eyes i drift farther away and you can't reach me no matter what you do i saw a thousand extended arms and what did i choose to push them away or grab at hands that i knew wouldn't stay and now i've lost my place looking into my soul now i see my younger self she is small and she is scared and she just needs some help i'm taking one step forward because i know she needs me to i'll give her pieces of my heart that did not belong to you thinking of those who have hurt me thinking of people i've left the room starts to fill with colors blue and feelings i misread and maybe today i miss you and maybe that's okay i thought for sure that i'd be dead by now but i awoke again today and you can't reach me no matter what you do i'll be a thousand extended arms if that's what i so chose to hold myself close today and hold my hand and know that i will stay i still take up space i still have a place
5.
me too 04:19
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it's a stain that won't wash off it's an ever present cough so i wear a different coat and i try to clear my throat is that enough and the cigarettes breed smoke it seeps into my clothes you can never really leave me as long as i'm still in this body where could i go you're the pain within my stomach i can't just throw you up the earth, i feel it plummet and my edges have gone rough most days i feel better but some days i just sleep through i hear the whispers of "i'm tired" and i mouth back "me too" you're the phantom pain from 5,000 miles away always remembering you i wish i didn't want to the world feels so unsafe you'll keep images that to me, do not exist i'll break my heart again imagining all your new friends losing feeling in my fingertips the pressure behind my eyelids the feeling in my fingertips the pain is focused in my ribs the feeling in my fingertips you claw behind my left eyelid the feeling in my fingertips you're stuck between my ribs you're stuck between my ribs you're stuck between my ribs i'm pushing on my chest and coughing up all of your shit you're the pain within my stomach i can't just throw you up the earth, i feel it plummet and my edges have gone rough most days i feel better but some days i just sleep through i hear them shouting "we're so tired" it feels like being held when i yell me too
6.
splitting 05:13
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i was born in a field of strawberries fruit punch red and every shade of pink it fades in time and bleeds into the grays colors harsh and sharp until they up and run away and the red is missing the red is missing now let me dream in a field of strawberries free from all the inconsistencies underneath the safest, tallest tree the strawberries are all i want to see i let them in my field of strawberries i can't decide if it's them or me devouring, destroying everything i split in two and i'm carried like a seed how many strawberries will there be next spring the rest are missing the rest i'm missing now let me die in a field of strawberries fruit keeps falling down my sleeve from my bony shoulders they pour into the street i'll bury them beneath the safest, tallest tree let me be in a field of strawberries pull me out from the roots grown over me toss me around or gently carry me or leave me to sleep in this field of strawberries
7.
january 22nd / i'm glad you're gone 02:37
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deleting messages for the first time must've been a premonition the last 2 times i saw you when i cried in a fast food bathroom i felt so stupid then but i wasn't i was more than what you saw in me it was never as good as i made it out to be as i made you out to be you made me so uncomfortable at times maybe i was dumb to call you my friend for 3 years but maybe i wasn't because it was real, you were here you just messed up real bad i hope you'll grow and get help and i'll grow myself and if i can be proud of me then that's enough if i'm growing up then that's enough
8.
anesthesia 02:08
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about

a reclamation of self. an acknowledgement of pain and the initial steps of pushing forward out of it.

thank you to everyone who listens

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released January 22, 2018

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mary is image

mary is Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

songs made in my bedroom. my dog helps sometimes

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